What Would It Take?
“Everyone has their limits” is an age old saying - so when you reach your limit, what do YOU do? What is YOUR response?
Me? I always envisioned that I would be “the one”. I would be the one that would “Make It!”. I’d be the one to stand, when most people would collapse in despair… But when the time came, when MY choices and decisions mattered - I failed the test. I did not just “sort-of fail”, where no one noticed, I failed in front of everyone, and most importantly, my children. My kids can never stand and say things like “Man, my mom taught me so much because she never lost her faith, and she stood the test of time, she stood on God’s promises always”... or “she lived out God’s grace when times got tough for us!”... No, my children will not be able to say those things about me during that time period. All the dreams and plans I had, that all moms have and long for - to lead and guide and protect the blessings that God gave us as moms, well those dreams were dashed against the rocks of my life and shattered into a million pieces. The dreams were not dashed by the storm itself, but by my response to the storms.
I could have given them truth and safety in God’s arms… but I chose differently.
I did not realize at the time that I was choosing a different path for my family, but with every thought of anger and unforgiveness, I left a door open. With every thought of disappointment, hurt and pain, I left another door open. Then another. Then another. Before I knew it, my home that I loved and cherished more than anything, became a dark, sad and depressing place, inundated with the waves and storms crashing in because there were, by this time, NO closed doors. The enemy came rushing in, in every way he could. My heart, my mind, my body and my soul were all exposed by the fractured relationship I had with The Savior. What I chose was to give up. I chose to quit. For my kids, that meant that sad times were sadder. Dark times were darker. Instead of bringing life and healing into my family, I brought fear, depression and despair.
How does God’s grace cover that? How can all the love from a Savior, in all the world, make a bit of difference in my world where my decisions led me and my family down a much worse road than the loss that our family had experienced would have been on it’s own? All of these questions swirled around in my head for a couple of years, while I found every excuse under the sun, to stay in the exact same place that I had put myself in - I wanted out - but it just seemed too hopeless and overwhelming to figure it out now…
I gave up; I let it all go… the dreams and hopes for my future, the life I had worked so hard to build, everything… I. Was. Done.
We moved out of our house, and over the next few weeks in the new place, something began to stir in my soul - I started feeling again - it was strange to have such strong feelings rise up in me again, because honestly… It had been years since I felt anything at all. Over the next few days I could not shake it, I could not make it stop. I woke up one early morning in May 2024, looked at my husband and uttered these few words that changed the trajectory of my life. I cried out to him from the depths of my soul and in so many words I told him that I wanted to fight, I wanted help, I wanted to LIVE again! I know it was God, nothing else. I felt a supernatural charge inside of myself, and that day I made a new decision, I decided that I was worth fighting for. I spent my entire life fighting for everyone else in my life, WHY wasn’t I fighting for myself?!
That’s the day everything changed. God reminded me WHO I was in Him, and that with Him I could recover. I could change with His power and start a new life with my grown children, my husband, and my family.
The weeks, months and year that followed were not easy, by any stretch of the imagination - everything in my flesh wanted to just give up, but I was not leaning on the power of my flesh alone, I was, probably for the first time in my life, fully relying and leaning on Jesus Christ. I had a new, fresh understanding of my Savior and when you have that, nothing seems impossible for too long! I had to choose to wake up every morning, wipe away the tears (which were inevitably there every morning when I woke up), and make a decision, “I am fighting for ME today”. Broken people cannot fix what they broke, until they heal for themselves - so I knew in order to become the mom that God called me to be again, I had to heal; so I allowed God to work on me for a full year - 365 days I spent secluded with Him. I saw very few people over that year outside of my children and immediate family; but I remained intentional every day on Who and What I allowed into my heart, mind, life and home. I chose to wake up and give all my fears, failures and pain to God, every single day. It was a choice, and I made it.
Now almost two years later, I can look back and see every single piece of the puzzle. I see God’s hands so clearly on my life, on my children’s lives…. Through all of the heartache, through all of the pain of my own decisions and my own failures, I see God. You see, He did not put me where I found myself that day, that was all me. I learned so much in that year with God. He has been so faithful, looking back on the times when life was not good, I still see His provision, I still see His grace… I see all that I could not see because I was so blinded to HIS numerous blessings by my relentless focus on MY disappointments.
If you are a mother and you are reading this, and relate in some way… most of us can relate because the hardest person on a mom is usually herself. So why am I writing about all of this now? Because I want to share with you that God DOES still heal the broken hearted, even if you broke your own heart by your choices. He will heal your pain, He will restore you, He will lead and guide your family again - you just have to let Him. Don’t get me wrong, the “let Him” part, oh yeah, that’s the hardest part! We think we know best, and we think we can control the outcomes in this life, but we cannot, however He can!
Today, while my children (who are grown) cannot say the things I listed at the beginning of this blog… here are a few things they CAN say:
“My mom fell apart, she lost her mind and we lost her for a time, But GOD.”
“I thought there was no hope for my mom at one point, But GOD.”
“Man, it got rough for a few years with my mom, but she Let GOD.”
“I KNOW there is a God and I know Jesus is real, because there is nothing else that could have turned my mom’s life around but Him.”
“My mom fully and wholeheartedly trusted God from that day forward.”
These are all things that my children can say with full confidence now. I know that they will always know that there is NOTHING they cannot accomplish or do when they put Christ at the wheel.
If you’re a mom, and you are reading this, can I tell you something? It was not easy, but it WAS SO so simple. I simply had to wake up every morning and intentionally take my own hands off the wheel of my life, and replace them with the nail-scarred hands of Jesus Christ. He took death for us, so I’m pretty certain he can handle our trials and tribulations here on this earth. It is NEVER too late to start again, it is never too late to change… Old dogs CAN learn new tricks, the key is that it has to be WITH GOD, not on our own. Someone very wise spoke into my life in the beginnings of these trials, and she told me that I could be victorious, and suggested that I read Galatians, Ephesians and Philippians - and if you are taking on the battle of reclaiming what you lost or gave up to the enemy, I would also recommend those books to you as well. We were made for so much more!
I am a Restored and Healed Daughter of the King of Kings. A King who is not moved by the world, for My God is with me and goes before me; I do not fear because I AM HIS.
Reach out if you feel hopeless, it is never too late!
https://youtu.be/Ov9Ls4npIrc?si=vdfa7lZ_fnaM2eUb
By: Shara Lin
